Oh GOD help me

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sick are the intentions cold and stark
eyes wide open staring into the dark
hues of life seals my heart
and i am torn apart so far apart.
my mind spins in the colour wheel
Oh God help me heal.

on the heels of sin
i am rigged within
the calling is clear
and i hear but im not here
i admit the SUPREME
yet submit to extremes
as i view my life in reel
oh God help me kneel

pursuing the illusion of choice
supressing the inner voice
succumb to temptaion
accepting the invitation
i fight with you , and you with me
niether I or you the winner is he
he the devil so proud of me
and i vanish into the fantasy
pure esctacy yet i dont feel
oh god help me to deal

 

God help me kneel

Devil in Nirvana

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In nirvana I felt a presence of a devil. he was non other than i.

 

In nirvana i met a devil

And he said to me I am alone

Yet he looked at me and through me

It pains like a broken bone

eyes closed and I continued

My search from within my soul

With an empty stare he gazed upon me

With time I felt a burning hole

I came from this place

The hole so dark and tar

Like a black hole gone bad

There once dwelled a star.

I don’t understand

The places I have never seen

How can a devil be my companion 

In a journey so pure and clean

I will kill you o devil

But you cant with a cold reply 

For I am you and you are me

And my existence you cant defy

I will not accept you or your existence

I have every right to deny

Hush o mortal being

For you are so meek and weak at heart

I can crush you with my plans

I hushed and listen to him say

For he had strength and might

But I will not die without a fight

He told me his secret  

And I couldn’t meet his eye

For he was indeed i

And I was his strength and might

And so I had to fight

With me myself and i

I wasn’t in nirvana nor I met a devil

I was staring at myself

Stripped off of disguise

Am a devil in camouflage?

Or a misguided collage

A diabolical situation

I cant handle anymore

I want to die but not go to hell

For I have created one on earth

And I will not give birth 

To the endless series of deaths

I will fight and I will be killed

In honor of no one but my self

i am selfish and surreal of what level

I am indeed in nirvana and I did meet a devil

Bleeding words

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When you lost the gem what made you you.

I have always felt you in the fraction of my soul 
I am half the person yet you make me whole
But i need to stay away for a while
I need you to bid me farewell with a pure smile
I will be guily for all my life
Its a burden that cuts me like knife
I dont know what i an saying
I am lost and praying.
I dnt want to hurt you again and again
I want you to be successfull and not insane
Like me myself and i
I hate to say good bye

 

 

Untitled Randomness

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Have you ever been deceived ? But it all comes down to one conclusion that it is only I who deceives none other than myself and I learn my lesson well until life throws something different at me and i get busy with it. And its all going around in circle as if the an invisible spherical barrier burst into tiny droplets of tears which dries up with time cuz time heals yet it hurts.

Ill be a fool to believe that a living a life like a hermit is the bes alternative of pain. Yes I am a fool yet wise enough to know that we are sent on this earth for a reason and that is to live for others and in doing so we will find ourselves and then we could claim to be the richest one on earth but there is always a but followed by the bitter truth that actually happens.

Life is very simple if we want it to be. Its about first degree murder of your desires. In return we get what we deserve. What makes it difficult is when we murder the wrong thing to end with wrong result yet strangely every thing happens for our better . We are just too impatient to find the answers so we keep on asking questions. This is how simple it is

I think i better stop tapping the button on the keyboard. Only 26 letters and i keep making weird combination that makes sense to one yet no sense to the other but every pair of eye infers a different sense of the same combination of 26 letters.

Goodbye. I better stop. If anyone found this interesting. Go admit yourself in a rehab you are insane. Keep a seat for me as well. C ya there.

Who is the coolest of them all?

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Whats happening to you when your body seems lifeless, your eyes are stuck at one object, your mouth opens up a little, your ears hears only the silence, your breathing is shallow and your lips are mute.

If I see you like that I’d go to the nearest doctor. Yet you are in a magical world of your mind, 

You might be imagining your self floating in the clouds, or hanging from a cliff with one hand, under the sea among the fish holding the key to the treasure chest, literally opening your skull and scratching your brain with the broken pencil, sitting on the moon discussing your itinerary with a martian or looking inside your body by rotating your eyeballs 180 degrees.

Pretty awesome right but not to me. To me you are a disheveled heap from Losersville and your only friends are the flies that are circling around you aiming to make a landing in your mouth. And I pass by you making a silent note to myself that I would share my experience with my cool friends of having witnessed a dork on my way.

And when you finally came back to your worldly senses, you are smiling for you have had some quality time. Meanwhile I crack the laughing joke of the day in front of my friends.

Which one us had the best day?

And who am I kidding.

Half Full

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recently i was invited for dinner by my very good friend. so put my best dress on. actually the only one clean left in my suitcase (dont even have a cupboard). i combed my hair. put on my only pair of shoes. and i was all set to go and was right on time

My friend and her family greeted me with a big smile and i returned it witha quick and shy one. we sat at the table along with my friend’s mom, dad, grandma and her sister. the table was filled with all sort of home made dishes and the room was filled with the aroma that could make anyone hungry even if they have just eaten a whole horse.

I was new to her family and they were pretty much inquisitive about me and my background. may be because people in my part of the world are like that and maybe unlike my friends i had never mentioned nothing sbout my family to anyone specially when i moved to this new city. So as we started to dig in the feast they started to do some digging within me.

and it went like this,before i start i just want you to know “beta” pronounced as bay-ta actually means “son” but when spoken in general it becomes an addressing word irrespective of gender. and uncle is not actually referimg to the relation uncle but are called to anyone unknown to u.

“so beta what does your dada (paternal grandfather) do?” askex her father

“Uncle he died even when my father was young. so We have never met”

Everybody made necesarry sounds.

“And you dado (paternal grandmother)?

” She also died many years ago”

sounds amd noises

” And nana (maternal grandpa)?
“died”
sounds

“nano (maternal grandma)”
“died long ago”
sounds

“your father?”
“yeah he errr also died two years ago”
awkward silence

And pretty much after that I don’t remember because i was not there anymore. I dont know why but I felt kind of embarassed for not having these people in my life anymore as if I had a choice. I had learned to let these people go and move on. But even though i managed to live and not carry any burden yet that day I realized that each and every one of them took a part of me with them. Leaving behind holes that I have manged to cover up so good.

Again I realized that In my life I have attemded more funerals than wedding ceremonies. and dying is a favourite family past time.Yet I was still satisfied with what life has given me because I still have my mother (May she be blessed with a long, peaceful, healthy and happy life.Ameen) and its due to her existence that I have been able to generate positivity within me. Her affection has kept me warm in times like above and her prayers have made my slide through every obstacle with patience.

I’ll be an empty existence without her.

Answer me?

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I fear that what I had struggle for for my whole life ends up to be a trap and the epiphany was ultimately a transitional point. I ended up seeing my whole struggle from a different perspective. and it was worthless to begin with. 

So I am down in the dumps waiting for my soul to rot. I see no other option and there is nothing left for me to do. 

If I die tomorrow. . . I would be just another name on the tombstone, just another epitaph just another useless hole filled with my lifeless body. and I stare at the ceiling. my eyes dried up to the core and my heart just beating. Supplying my senses with fresh dose of blood. and I was ever so busy to waste it all. 

I want to know how it would all end. I want to have answers but is there anyone out there to answer me back? Only me and my pathetic attitude. 

Can you answer me. Anyone….??

But then again what is the question?

The Mask

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Imagine I am wearing a mask. And and nobody knows who I am or where i’ve. ome from. they just look at me and i look at them and I slap them hard for staring at me but actually they were looking at how beautiful my mask is yet they dont know its a mask. and they hate it for i had slapped them across the face with the force that would leave a mark.

imagine the next day i remove the mask and I go the the same person. He looks at me and i look at him and i hug him. He smiles back and I put a healling hand on his scar with a touch that would leave a mark on his heart.

imagine the next i go out and i meet another guy. I look and him he looks at me and he slaps me hard. I just stand there watch him fade in the crowd. and i see a face like him everywhere.

imagine the next day i go out and i approach a man and he slap me and I it left a mark.

imagine the same thing happens the next day and the next day and day after that and a week by now and i frantically wait for the healling hand to take my pain away and i go home

everyday i am being slapped and bruised and I only can see teh same face in the crowd and abscond my way home. 

imagine one day i went out i see the man i slapped. he looks at me and i look at him . in a moment of desparation i revealed my mask and broke it onto half. and he just looks at me and i at him. he bents down gathees the piece of my mask and throws it away and keeps one piece to himself. before he walks away he outs ahand of affection to my scars and vanishes in the crowd. 

that man is my conscience and the piece my lesson. i slapped my self everyday for i couldnt correct my past mistake.

imagine the next day i wear the same mask. and go out i redid my past. as there are plenty more where the broken one came from

Aside

one thing I can’t deny

i’v gotto look good if i want a Hi

lest  they would just pass by

and i ask myself why

do i go through this lie

all day long i strive i try

i scream, i shout, i mess up and cry

its not about me. myself and I

its with the society i MUST comply

so dream by dream I fade I die.

 

 

 

 

 

one thing I can…

I want, U want V want

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I am writing this in reference to me and my behaviour. Usually people write about other people’s behaviour yet they dont know that they are the people like I am a people. Does that make sense?. . . WARNING its was a rhetorical question.

“NO”

ok who said that? (another one of the rhetorical question often encountered by the students all over the world)

ANYWAY. . . .

I just wanted to direct your attention… (notice how i said I just WANTED)… to the fact that I always want something. And it is the basis of everything I do everyday. And sometimes to satisfy my want, I do other stuff before I do what I wanted.

For example.

I wake up and WANT to have breakfast because I am hungry. But before I could satisfy my want, I have to pee, brush my teeth, wash my face, maybe change clothes, comb my hair etc etc 

ans THEN I am able to have breakfast. 

However i could just skip these steps so lets do it again

I wake up feeling hungry. I went into the kitchen and eat up the breakfast (if its already been made.we’ll just assume that it is.) but in doing so I might have put my health in danger. How? Holding on to your pee can be fatal.

Which brings me to another example

Suppose my son(imaginary) WANTS Wii so bad that i could not help but to do something about it. So guess what? There is a small competition held in town saying that who ever holds their pee for the longest amount of time wins a Wii. OMG its my lucky day and just to satisfy my unsatisfaction I participated and actually won. My son got what he WANTed and i get it away for free, But wait this is no the end, The interesting part is where I die. . . . .Yes I am serious. and its not even a supposed event. Its actually a true story. check out the link

http://uneasysilence.com/2007/01/woman-dies-after-holding-pee-for-wii/

uneasy silence indeed.

So ladies and gentlemen, I started with my own behaviour of morning breakfast and ended up on people’s behaviour of   stupidity. Because somebody said “if you haven’t lived smart at least die smart’

 

I just made it up myself because at the end of the day its my blog, my thoughts and my rule and you are just to imagine:)