Monthly Archives: March 2012

Who is the coolest of them all?

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Whats happening to you when your body seems lifeless, your eyes are stuck at one object, your mouth opens up a little, your ears hears only the silence, your breathing is shallow and your lips are mute.

If I see you like that I’d go to the nearest doctor. Yet you are in a magical world of your mind, 

You might be imagining your self floating in the clouds, or hanging from a cliff with one hand, under the sea among the fish holding the key to the treasure chest, literally opening your skull and scratching your brain with the broken pencil, sitting on the moon discussing your itinerary with a martian or looking inside your body by rotating your eyeballs 180 degrees.

Pretty awesome right but not to me. To me you are a disheveled heap from Losersville and your only friends are the flies that are circling around you aiming to make a landing in your mouth. And I pass by you making a silent note to myself that I would share my experience with my cool friends of having witnessed a dork on my way.

And when you finally came back to your worldly senses, you are smiling for you have had some quality time. Meanwhile I crack the laughing joke of the day in front of my friends.

Which one us had the best day?

And who am I kidding.

Half Full

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recently i was invited for dinner by my very good friend. so put my best dress on. actually the only one clean left in my suitcase (dont even have a cupboard). i combed my hair. put on my only pair of shoes. and i was all set to go and was right on time

My friend and her family greeted me with a big smile and i returned it witha quick and shy one. we sat at the table along with my friend’s mom, dad, grandma and her sister. the table was filled with all sort of home made dishes and the room was filled with the aroma that could make anyone hungry even if they have just eaten a whole horse.

I was new to her family and they were pretty much inquisitive about me and my background. may be because people in my part of the world are like that and maybe unlike my friends i had never mentioned nothing sbout my family to anyone specially when i moved to this new city. So as we started to dig in the feast they started to do some digging within me.

and it went like this,before i start i just want you to know “beta” pronounced as bay-ta actually means “son” but when spoken in general it becomes an addressing word irrespective of gender. and uncle is not actually referimg to the relation uncle but are called to anyone unknown to u.

“so beta what does your dada (paternal grandfather) do?” askex her father

“Uncle he died even when my father was young. so We have never met”

Everybody made necesarry sounds.

“And you dado (paternal grandmother)?

” She also died many years ago”

sounds amd noises

” And nana (maternal grandpa)?
“died”
sounds

“nano (maternal grandma)”
“died long ago”
sounds

“your father?”
“yeah he errr also died two years ago”
awkward silence

And pretty much after that I don’t remember because i was not there anymore. I dont know why but I felt kind of embarassed for not having these people in my life anymore as if I had a choice. I had learned to let these people go and move on. But even though i managed to live and not carry any burden yet that day I realized that each and every one of them took a part of me with them. Leaving behind holes that I have manged to cover up so good.

Again I realized that In my life I have attemded more funerals than wedding ceremonies. and dying is a favourite family past time.Yet I was still satisfied with what life has given me because I still have my mother (May she be blessed with a long, peaceful, healthy and happy life.Ameen) and its due to her existence that I have been able to generate positivity within me. Her affection has kept me warm in times like above and her prayers have made my slide through every obstacle with patience.

I’ll be an empty existence without her.

Answer me?

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I fear that what I had struggle for for my whole life ends up to be a trap and the epiphany was ultimately a transitional point. I ended up seeing my whole struggle from a different perspective. and it was worthless to begin with. 

So I am down in the dumps waiting for my soul to rot. I see no other option and there is nothing left for me to do. 

If I die tomorrow. . . I would be just another name on the tombstone, just another epitaph just another useless hole filled with my lifeless body. and I stare at the ceiling. my eyes dried up to the core and my heart just beating. Supplying my senses with fresh dose of blood. and I was ever so busy to waste it all. 

I want to know how it would all end. I want to have answers but is there anyone out there to answer me back? Only me and my pathetic attitude. 

Can you answer me. Anyone….??

But then again what is the question?

The Mask

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Imagine I am wearing a mask. And and nobody knows who I am or where i’ve. ome from. they just look at me and i look at them and I slap them hard for staring at me but actually they were looking at how beautiful my mask is yet they dont know its a mask. and they hate it for i had slapped them across the face with the force that would leave a mark.

imagine the next day i remove the mask and I go the the same person. He looks at me and i look at him and i hug him. He smiles back and I put a healling hand on his scar with a touch that would leave a mark on his heart.

imagine the next i go out and i meet another guy. I look and him he looks at me and he slaps me hard. I just stand there watch him fade in the crowd. and i see a face like him everywhere.

imagine the next day i go out and i approach a man and he slap me and I it left a mark.

imagine the same thing happens the next day and the next day and day after that and a week by now and i frantically wait for the healling hand to take my pain away and i go home

everyday i am being slapped and bruised and I only can see teh same face in the crowd and abscond my way home. 

imagine one day i went out i see the man i slapped. he looks at me and i look at him . in a moment of desparation i revealed my mask and broke it onto half. and he just looks at me and i at him. he bents down gathees the piece of my mask and throws it away and keeps one piece to himself. before he walks away he outs ahand of affection to my scars and vanishes in the crowd. 

that man is my conscience and the piece my lesson. i slapped my self everyday for i couldnt correct my past mistake.

imagine the next day i wear the same mask. and go out i redid my past. as there are plenty more where the broken one came from

Aside

one thing I can’t deny

i’v gotto look good if i want a Hi

lest  they would just pass by

and i ask myself why

do i go through this lie

all day long i strive i try

i scream, i shout, i mess up and cry

its not about me. myself and I

its with the society i MUST comply

so dream by dream I fade I die.

 

 

 

 

 

one thing I can…

I want, U want V want

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I am writing this in reference to me and my behaviour. Usually people write about other people’s behaviour yet they dont know that they are the people like I am a people. Does that make sense?. . . WARNING its was a rhetorical question.

“NO”

ok who said that? (another one of the rhetorical question often encountered by the students all over the world)

ANYWAY. . . .

I just wanted to direct your attention… (notice how i said I just WANTED)… to the fact that I always want something. And it is the basis of everything I do everyday. And sometimes to satisfy my want, I do other stuff before I do what I wanted.

For example.

I wake up and WANT to have breakfast because I am hungry. But before I could satisfy my want, I have to pee, brush my teeth, wash my face, maybe change clothes, comb my hair etc etc 

ans THEN I am able to have breakfast. 

However i could just skip these steps so lets do it again

I wake up feeling hungry. I went into the kitchen and eat up the breakfast (if its already been made.we’ll just assume that it is.) but in doing so I might have put my health in danger. How? Holding on to your pee can be fatal.

Which brings me to another example

Suppose my son(imaginary) WANTS Wii so bad that i could not help but to do something about it. So guess what? There is a small competition held in town saying that who ever holds their pee for the longest amount of time wins a Wii. OMG its my lucky day and just to satisfy my unsatisfaction I participated and actually won. My son got what he WANTed and i get it away for free, But wait this is no the end, The interesting part is where I die. . . . .Yes I am serious. and its not even a supposed event. Its actually a true story. check out the link

http://uneasysilence.com/2007/01/woman-dies-after-holding-pee-for-wii/

uneasy silence indeed.

So ladies and gentlemen, I started with my own behaviour of morning breakfast and ended up on people’s behaviour of   stupidity. Because somebody said “if you haven’t lived smart at least die smart’

 

I just made it up myself because at the end of the day its my blog, my thoughts and my rule and you are just to imagine:)

Run

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Sometimes you feel like there is no humanity left in you and the next thing you know you are out of sanity too and oh shit you are out of ethics and animosity is the only thing left with you.And you do something STUPID. What would you do?

Relax.

 

 

Just go die. OR run run run run run jump duck roll walk run run HALT. move back a couple of steps. Start walking. . then slowly pick the pace and when you are near a ledge JUMP. 

Feel the air rushing past you. See the ledge getting further away. Feel the earth coming closer. 

Close your eyes. Feel the pain of regret. Desire of a second chance. Urge of expressing your emotions to the special one. Desperation of a warm motherly embrace. To reverse the last step on the ledge and IMPACT. 

BLACKOUT. SENSELESS. DEATH GAME OVER

 

 

No, its was just imagination. you running away from the consequences of you actions. you didnt do anything, you just imagined remember. Now run along